Really Random Rants
by Mauri Night
Summary: NEW SUM: Whatever... I see the light! SHUN THE FREAK! ISH! YOU DIED! I can why that's amusing... for you... It's... its... THE END. R&R,make us happy! DONT shun the freaks! Read the chappy, find out what that means! GO! NOW!
1. People

**A/n: This is a joint effort… my sister and I wrote this totally randomness because we were bored… but hopefully if I don't kill my sister for being so darn annoying we'll be able to write more. **

**This is POSTED on Mauri Night's account but is written by both Mauri Night AND Lakisha Adele Kane (my sister). It is our FIRST EVER Twilight Fanfiction, and to be honest, our first ever Fanfiction written TOGETHER. So be nice… no flames… cuz they could hurt Edward… **

**Disclaimer: All songs and characters (except for US) are not owned by us… unfortunately. **

**P.S. If you see Rae or Carrie in the place of a name, that is how we originally wrote it but we substituted our pennames in for our REAL names -wink wink- so Rae: Shea and Carrie: Mauri. Yupyup… **

**ENJOY!**

**Topic: PEOPLE**

Shea (Lakisha): WOW, people... that's a lot to talk about... There's Goths, Emos, Punks, Hippies, Preps, Jocks, Nerds, Mauri...

Mauri: -gasp-

Shea: JUST KIDDING!!!

Edward: What about mythical creatures that supposedly don't exist?

Shea: That's a LONG title...

Mauri: HEY! I thought that first! Why do YOU get all the good lines?!

Shea: I thought it first... and because I'm typing.

Mauri: Eddie-poo, you know who thought it first! TELL US NOW!!!

Edward: Er... -looks between two crazy lunatic fan girls who I, Lakisha, am obviously the better of the two- I don't think I should become involved in this...

Shea: -raging- TELL US!!!! NOW!!!!!

Mauri: -sweet- please?

Edward: Um... er... uh... erm...

Alice: DON"T DO IT EDWARD!!! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT OUT ALIVE!!!

Mauri: ALICE SHUT UP!

Shea: OH MY GOSH I WISH EMMEY-BEAR WAS HERE!!!

Emmett: -pops up outta nowhere- Hey baby... what's cookin'?

Shea: OH MY GOSH I AM MAGIC!!!

Edward: Of course you are... -rolls eyes-

Jacob: Hey... doesn't anyone want me???

Shea: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE I DIDN"T WISH YOU HERE!!!

Mauri: -grins flirtatiously- I did...

Shea: Let's make this a happy day... JACOB GET LOST!

Jacob: -hurt- fine... -disappears-

Mauri: UH! FINE, I GET EDWARD AND YOU GET EMMETT!!!

Jasper: What about ME?

Mauri: You get Alice.

Alice: -randomly- OH MY GOSH Wanna go shopping???

Jasper: AHHHHHHHH!!! -runs away screaming- SAVE ME!!! -panic falls over people-

Me: OMGOSH THERE'S A... A... I DON"T KNOW BUT I'M SCARED!!!

Mauri: EDWARD HOLD ME!!! -jumps into Edward's arms-

Edward: uh... -drops Mauri-

Me: -laughs- GO EDDIE-POO!!!

Mauri: Ow... –rubs butt-

Bella: HEY EDWARDS MINE BACK OFF!!!

Mauri and Me: Go away.

Bella: -pop- -disappears-

Edward: NO!!!! -jumps off a cliff-

Me: Now Eddie-poo, you know you can't kill yourself like that... -Shame On You sign-

Edward: -stands up and pouts uninjured- FINE.

Emmett: Monster Truck Rallies!!! YEAH!!!!

Me: WOW...

Mauri: RADIO! -presses play-

Radio: And now... Sexyback by Justin T... -Sexyback plays-

Edward: -girly- OH MY GOSH EMMETT IT'S OUR SONG!!!

Emmett and Edward: -jump up on table and dances-

Edward: -singing while dancing... not PG.. or PG13 at that...- I'm bringing Sexyback...

Emmett: -sings off key- YEAH!

Shea and Mauri: -turn around and shield our eyes-

Shea: MY EYES!!! THEY BURN!!!

Mauri: -scared- Do you guys have something going on we don't know about???

Edward: -sings- Bring on those shackles baby I'm your slave...

Mauri: -shocked- EDWARD!

Radio: -song ends- And now, The Game Song by Keke Palmer... -song plays-

Keke (on radio): Cuz that JOYSTICK messed around and took my BOYFRIEND that games bein' makin' me SO SICK cuz I can't COMPETE it's either ME OR THAT TV...

Edward: EMMETT!!! It's your song!!!

Keke (on radio): That's why I, I hate men... that's why I, I hate men...

Emmett: OH YEAH!!! WORK IT GIRL!!!

Rosalie: -pops up- EMMETT YOU'RE CHEATING ME... -pause- WITH EDWARD?! -pulls out baseball bat-

Shea and Mauri: -pull out popcorn- THIS IS INTERESTING!

Rosalie: -chases Emmett with bat- COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!

Emmett: I'm not a man, I'm a-

Mauri: -shocked- Are you sure you want to release this to the general public?!

Emmett: Fine... um... -stops and thinks-

Shea: EMMETT RUN!!!

Emmett: -frustrated- I can't multitask!

Rosalie: -smacks him with a baseball bat-

Edward: Rosalie! Emmett! Uh... -thinks- Yeah, that's all I got...

Radio: -song ends- STRONGER BY KANYE WEST! -song plays-

Mauri: OH MY GOD IT'SMY FAVORITE SONG!!!

Shea and Mauri: -dance-

Emmett and Edward: -stare-

Rosalie: -SMACK- EMMETT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF THEM AND LOOK AT YOUR WIFE!!!

Emmett: -ignores her- SHAKE THAT BOOTAY!!!

Edward: -faints then gets up 'cause we all know vampires don't faint-

Rosalie: -tearless sobs- WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT I DON"T HAVE!!!

Shea: -randomly smacks Mauri-

Mauri: OW! -smacks Shea- DON'T SMACK ME SMACK EMMETT!

Shea: -smacks Edward- OW I BROKE MY HAND!

Edward: did you say something?

Shea: -mumbles- stupid vampires... DIDNT YOU FEEL IT AT ALL?!?!?!

Edward: Feel what?

Shea: -screams- AHH!!!! Stupid vampires... DIE!

Jacob: -pops up- Oh can I help?!

Mauri: -runs over to Jacob and hugs him like crazy- HE WAS MEAN TO ME JACOB KILL HIM!!!

Shea: Kill who?

Mauri: its kill WHOM...

Shea: Who's Whom?

Mauri: No, it's not WHO it's WHOM

Shea: Exactly... but who is WHOM?

Edward: ...

Jacob: ...

Emmett: OW!

Rosalie: Why are you screaming I stopped hitting you already!

Emmett: I tried thinking... and it hurt... really bad... –cries tearlessly-

Edward: All brawn no brain.

Emmett: OH WHAT'S THAT MEAN?!?!?!

Shea: Find out for yourself.

Emmett: -thinks- OW! THAT HURT!!!

Rosalie: I need a smarter husband.

Shea: Don't we all.

Edward: -shocked- YOUR MARRIED?

Shea: No, but I can dream.

Edward: yeah, lucky human.

Shea: I know. -fluffs hair-

Mauri: OH!!! Wait... I'm tired... I used all my energy thinking...

Shea: OH MY GOSH YOU CAN DO THAT?!?!?!?! COOL!!!!!!!!! -slumps to floor- I'm tired now too...

Edward: OH MY GOSH, YOU KNOW HOW TO THINK?! Wow... didn't see that coming...

Shea: -tired- If i wasn't so tired I'd break my other hand hitting you...

Mauri: -snores-

Shea: -snores-

Edward: ...

Rosalie: ...

Emmett: I wish I was human...

**A/n: Review please!!! We ♥ Reviews!!! **

** Come on... it ain't that hard... **

**You know you wanna... **

**Press the little button... **

**AND BAM! Write something nice for us...**

**And we'll write something nice for you. **

**Emmett: BEATING ME WITH BAT IS NICE?!?!?! **

** Us: Yup... **


	2. Flames

**A/n: Okay y'all, recently we were FLAMED by the ever so philanthropic FlameRising. As some people may now, he/her obviously has no creative writing skills of her own so she takes out her despair by criticizing wonderful and talented authors in the making. It's because of people like him/her that many of the future best selling J.K. Rowling's or Stephenie Meyer are too intimidated to even pick up a pencil and write. I say, well, technically WE say, we need to overthrow this so called FlameRising and stand up for ourselves!!! WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?!?! Or… us… **

**As many people would take a flaming hot review and shrivel up and never write again, we have taken this tragic event to heart and decided… **

**IT'S WONDERFUL INSPIRATION!!! **

**So, this chapter, entitled FLAMES, is dedicated to FlameRising… and we may think, it is our best chapter so far… **

**Thank you FlameRising… -sobs happily- Thank you… **

**Chapter Two**

**FLAMES **

Shea: Edward! Someone flamed you!

Edward: Huh?

Mauri: They flamed you! They said you were a piece of ----!

Edward: -gasp-

Emmett: At least they didn't LITERALLY flame you… that wouldn't be pretty… -winces at thought-

Shea: Yeah, that would kinda hurt…

Mauri: Just a little…

Alice: EDWARD STAY AWAY FROM CANDLES!

Edward: -panicked- Why…?

Alice: -nervous- nothing, just precautions…

Edward: Why are you reciting Dr. Seuss's Cat in the Hat in Russian?

Alice: None of your beeswax, go away… -stomps off to corner where she whips out Dr. Seuss and reads rapidly-

Edward: Should I be scared?

Mauri: Um… no?

Shea: Well, considering the fact that we're the authors of this little story and we can do what-EVER we want to you… yes, you should…

Emmett: We should be scared? Why?

Shea: Because we can do whatever we want, like… for example…

Alice: EDWARD HIDE YOUR VOLVO!!!

Edward: Oh no, what about my Volvo?

Alice: Run Edward Run!

Edward: What happened? Why are you yelling? Does my Volvo die?

Alice: …

Mauri: It may have some SLIGHT modifications…

-BANG-

Edward: -freezes in terror- What. Was. That.

Mauri: It MAY or may NOT have been your Volvo exploding into flames in your driveway because Shea felt the need to play with matches and wanted to see what would happen if she threw a lit match into the gas tank…

Edward: -falls on knees and rips out hair- NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Mauri: For some odd reason, seeing you in this depressed state somehow makes me feel unusually happy. –Wipes away tear of happiness-

Shea: -walks in with no hair and singed eyebrows- WOW.

Mauri: And you call ME the pyromaniac…

Edward: -tearless sobs- WHY? Why me?! Why my wonderfully shiny Volvo?

Shea: You and your Volvo… honestly, it's like it was your lifeline.

Edward: -glares- Nothing compares to the joy I felt when I was in that Volvo…

Bella: -pops out of no where- NOT EVEN ME?! Edward, we are SO over… I'm leaving… -Stomps out and trips over air-

Bella: OW! –gets up- Okay, I'm leaving… NOW. –runs into door-

Shea: This is fun!!! –plots to make Bella fall down stairs and DIE-

Mauri: -gasp-

Edward: do you honestly have fun torturing poor Bella?

Mauri: Maybe???

Shea: MUAHAHAHA!!!

Bella: -rubs nose- Okay, that's it… I'm leaving, and nothing will stop me! –Runs into Emmett-

Emmett: Whoa, where you going?

Bella: Nowhere. –passes out-

Emmett: Whoops?

Shea: -laughs insanely- good job Emmy-bear! –holds up hand for high five-

Emmett: -backs away- I think I'll pass on that…

Mauri: Good idea.

Edward: What's that horrid burning smell?

Alice: -gasps and begins to sing O Silent Night in German-

Edward: Why are you singing a Christmas song on Halloween… in German? And what is that smell?

Mauri: That MAY or may NOT be Emmett's jeep…

Emmett: WHAT?! –runs outside to see Jeep on fire-

Shea: -runs in with no eyebrows and clothes on fire, laughing- I'M ON FIRE! I'M ON FIRE!

Mauri: Why are you laughing?!

Shea: -laughs- PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!

Edward: -jumps away from wonderful looking flames- GET AWAY FROM ME!

Alice: -gets bucket and dumps water over Shea- DIE FLAMES DIE!

Shea: -laughs- THAT WAS FUN! CAN I DO IT AGAIN?!

Emmett: -from outside- MY JEEP!!!

Mauri: What did you DO Shea?!

Shea: -laughs-

Mauri: Shea…

Shea: -laughs and falls over-

Edward: LAKISHA ADELE KANE!!! TELL US!

Shea: -laughs and rolls around, banging fists on floor-

Emmett: -runs in and grabs Shea, holding her upside down out the window- TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO HERMAN!!!

Shea: -stops laughing- you named your Jeep Herman?

Emmett: DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!

Shea: No… -then bursts into crazy laughter-

Edward: PUT HER DOWN EMMETT!

Emmett: -lets go-

Shea: AHHHHHHHHH!!! –falls-

Edward: Great, now I gotta go be Superman… -runs out of room at Vampire Speed-

Shea: -falling- HAHAHA! –laughs-

Mauri: -inside- You had to drop her?

Emmett: Edward made me!

Mauri: Nice… I like it…

Edward: -walks into room and drops Shea on floor-

Shea: -laughs-

Edward: -wipes hands on Emmett- Ew…

Shea: -laughs harder-

Mauri: -stares at Shea- WOW…

Shea: -laughs so hard she snorts like a pig-

Edward: -wide eyes- is she on something?

Mauri: She MAY or may NOT be on something… that however, is classified information. I COULD tell you, but then I'd have to kill you…

Edward: -cocks eyebrow- and how on earth are you going to kill an indestructible Vampire?

Shea: -laughs- FIRE!!! –laughs-

Mauri: Ask the maniac.

Edward: -backs away- I think I'll be going now… -turns and trips over Bella whose still out mumbling about getting married to a moose-

Edward: -shocked- Is that was you think about me?!

Bella: -snore- I love you Mike… -snore-

Shea: -stops laughing and gasps-

Edward: -freezes-

Emmett: -snorts in laughter-

Alice: -nervously looks away-

Mauri: Whoa, didn't see that one coming…

**THE END **

**Of this chappy of course… **

**Disclaimer: We forgot one up top so here it is: **

**We are rich teenagers who Stephenie Meyer paid to write this awesomely awesome Fanfiction and she LITERALLY GAVE us these characters so yeah, we DO own Twilight… **

**If you believed anything we just said up there… **

**GET HELP! **

**Much ****♥, **

**Us**


	3. Toast

**A/n: Okay y'all, here's the deal: we have NO idea what to say. **

**Yup. **

**So… **

**READ!!! **

**Chapter Three: **

**Topic: TOAST**

Shea: I LOVE TOAST!

Mauri: ooooooooookkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy…

Edward: Toast is revolting.

Emmett: Toastest for the mostest!

Shea: Am I the mostest?

Edward: No, you're the worstest.

Mauri: -GASP- That's just rude!

Shea: Why is it called French toast if it isn't from French?

Mauri: It's France, stupid.

Shea: I knew that… OH! I got ants in my pants and they're makin' me dance… All the way to FRANCE!

Edward: The king of France, wet his pants, right in the middle of his wedding dance…

Shea: I don't even wanna know how you knew that…

Edward: How many puddles did he make?

Emmett: -jump ropes- One… Two… Three… -slips on mysterious yellowish puddle-

Edward: EW! How did that get there?!

Shea: -nervous- Um… the CAT!

Mauri: We don't have a cat…

Shea: Well WHY NOT?!

Mauri: 'Cause mommy won't let us… remember? –sniffles-

Emmett: Oh, it's alright… -hugs-

Shea: I WANNA HUG! –Cries-

Emmett: -backs away-

Bella: -runs in- I wanna hug too! Eddie-poo! –Slips on puddle-

Shea: -giggles- I wonder WHO put that there…

Mauri: -laughs- poor Bella… I feel mean.

Shea: -laughs- I DO TOO!!! I love it!

Edward: -pouts- Don't be mean to my Bella.

Shea: I wanna be yours too!

Edward: -Face turns horrified as he backs away and trips over Bella and lands on butt in puddle-

Mauri: EW!!!

Emmett: Hey, why is everyone tripping over Bella?!

Mauri: 'Cause she's natures little speed bump.

Shea: -giddily- Like squirrels!

Bella: -sarcastic- Great… I'm a squirrel now…

Edward: -sweet- That's ok, you can be my squirrel…

Shea: Ya know Eddie, I saw a squirrel once… it wasn't pretty… it was on the side of the road, its guts spilling everywhere… blood dripping down… DRIP… DRIP… DROP…

Bella: -turns green- I'm gonna be sick! –Runs to bathroom-

Bella: -trips on 'cat'-

Mauri: How did that get there?

Shea: -triumphant- I TOLD you we had a cat!

Bella: -stumbles back inside- I feel… I would say better, but… I don't…

Emmett: -puts on best reporter look- So… Bella… inside sources have informed us that you have a little 'thing' for Mr. Mike Newton, eh? –Wink wink-

Bella: -disgusted and horrified- What makes you think such a repulsing thought?!

Mauri: You know, I WOULD say that he can't think such a repulsing thought because he can't think at all, but that would just be a LITTLE bit too mean… I mean, Emmett does have the emotional balance of a preschooler…

Emmett: -tearless sobs- THAT'S MEAN!!!

Jasper: -pops up- HAPPY! –Disappears-

Emmett: YAY! TOAST!

Shea: -casually- So… back to Mr. Mike Newton… huh?

Bella: I don't know what you're talking about!

Emmett: -sing-song- Suspicious!

Edward: Uh, Bella dear… you may have said some things in your er… sleep I guess yesterday…

Shea: Don't you mean when Emmett knocked her out?

Edward: -gulps- maybe…

Bella: -sobs- Why can't I remember any of this?!

Mauri: It's alright… -pats back then wipes hands innocently on jeans then decides to burn jeans later- It just gives us a better shot at Eddie…

Shea: Plus you might not remember nothing 'cause you ran into a ROCK but hey… don't feel bad, I'm sure that could happen to ANYONE… -crosses fingers behind back-

Bella: Hey, speakin' of incidents, what happened to your hair?

Shea: -feels bald head- Oh… Fireworks…

Edward, Emmett: -depressed- OUR CARS!

Shea: -comforting- No, Eddie, I didn't use fireworks in YOURS… I used a match and gasoline… and, look at the bright side… you have the antennae to poke Emmy-bear with…

Emmett: -sniffles and rubs shoulder-

Edward: -brightens- POKEY!

Shea: -gasps- POKEY THE PLAYFUL PUPPY!

Mauri: -winces at memory of evil little dog-

Emmett: -swallows-

Edward: -thinks- I wonder what dogs taste like…

Bella: -gasp- Edward! How could you?!

Edward: easily, you pick the thing up, you kill it, and then you suck it dry… -looks at her like: duh!-

Bella: -pales- OH NO! Blood! Bad images! SICK! –Runs to bathroom-

Mauri: Edward, I thought your standards were higher.

Edward: Exactly, that's why I'm dating HER not YOU.

Mauri: -gasp-

Shea: OH! BURN!

Emmett: Don't burn the toast!

Alice: -pops up- I don't see toast being burnt anytime in the future!

Emmett: -cheers-

Alice: Although… Emmett, stay away from glue… it can do NASTY things to your hair…

Emmett: -drops mouth open in horror-

Edward: -winces-

Alice: -brightly- Well, shoe sale going, GOTTA GO! –Disappears-

Mauri: Well, I have MATH homework… -gags- Gotta go! –runs upstairs and pretends to do 'math homework'-

Edward: I finished mine.

Bella: You didn't have any.

Edward: -frowns- well if I did it would be done already.

Shea: So… Bella… back to Fig Newton… healthy but utterly disgusting…

Emmett: OH BREAKFAST! TOAST! YAY!

Edward: …

Bella: Fig?

Shea: -yells- Don't stall just answer the question!

Bella: -faints-

Edward: Whoops.

Emmett: -winces- Whoops is right… jeesh that's gotta hurt!

Shea: -gasps happily- DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!

**End of chappy… **

**A/n: Disclaimer: Don't you know better? Jeez, mock us why don't you?! CAN'T YOU TELL WE'RE SENSITIVE ABOUT THIS?! WE DON'T OWN ANYTHING THAT STEPENIE MEYER DOES! **

**A/n: And… um… about us being mean to Bella… don't take it the WRONG way… we just have fun seeing her fall… and… er… other dangerous stunts that may or may not result in serious injury… **

**We're teenage girls who love Edward… **

**Can ya blame us? **

**REVIEW! **


	4. Whatever

**A/n: HEY Y'ALL!!! Uh… yeah, **

**Disclaimer: -drum roll- DUN DUN DUN! WE DON'T OWN NOTHING BUT A CRAPPY COMPUTER AND SOME CRUMMY-STATE BOOKS! –sobs- EDWARD! HOLD ME!!! **

**Topic: Whatever **

Shea: -sobs- WHY AM I SO SAD?!?!?!

Mauri: -weeps- I DON'T KNOW! I'M SAD TOO!!!

Edward: -sniffles- you're always sad…

Mauri: -wails- if I wasn't already crying, I'd burst into tears and SLAP YOU… and then break my hand… -sobs-

Shea: -sobs- LIFE'S SO UNFAIR!

Emmett: -wipes eyes unnecessarily- I know… life sucks…

Shea: -blows nose- And then you die…

Edward: -un-tearful yet semi-tearful- way to rub it in… we can't die…

Emmett: -shakes head sadly- So depressing…

Mauri: I guess life sucks for you forever…

Shea: -echoes- ever… ever… ever… ever…

Edward and Emmett: -grabs each other and cry un-tearfully-

Alice: -walks in- Tissue? –holds out empty box of Kleenex-

Emmett: -wails- How did you know?! –grabs box-

Edward: -gasps- It's empty! Why is it empty?!

Rosalie: -walks in with un-crying cries- my bad…

Shea: WHY ARE WE SO SAD?!

-door opens downstairs-

Jasper: -depressingly- I'm home… like… whatever…

Alice: -screams- NO!!!

Jasper: -enters- whatever.

Shea, Mauri, Edward, Emmett, Rosalie: -GASP- OH! MY! GOD!

Alice: -sobs loudly with no tears- JAZZY-POO!!!

Jasper: -monotone- whatever…

Shea: -shocked- black clothes, black shoes, black hair-

Alice: -gasps- YOUR LOVELY HAIR!!!

Shea: black chains, black belt-

Emmett: -yells- HEE-YA!!! –then sobs-

Shea: Black… black… black… bla- Oh my god is that black fingernail polish?!

Jasper: whatever.

Alice: -horrified- JASPER THAT ISN'T FASHIONABLE!

Mauri: -gulps- I'm scared… -sobs-

Bella: -walks in sobbing and trips- OW! –Gets up and sees Jasper-

Jasper: -looks at her scarily-

Bella: -screams and faints and hits head-

Edward: JASPER! HOW COULD YOU?! –Burst into waterless tears-

Jasper: whatever. –turns and walks out-

Alice: -speechless-

Mauri: -speechless-er-

Shea: -speechless-er-er-

Rosalie: -speechless-est-

Emmett: -speechless-est-er

Edward: -befuddled-

Alice: MY JAZZY'S GONE EMO!!!

Shea: -thinks- well, at least its better than Elmo, I mean… ya loose the L… which, ya know… stands for LOSER! –cries-

Alice: -sniffles- Thanks that makes it SO much better!

Shea: you're welcome.

Alice: SARCASM?!

Shea: -confused- Sar-whatty now?

Alice: -frustrated- ARGH!!!

Mauri: I'm so sad. –sniff, sniff-

Edward: If I could cry, I'd be all cried out…

Rosalie: I'm too hot to cry.

Emmett, Mauri, Shea, Alice, Edward: Whatever.

**A/n: Yes we know it's short but deal with it people! Like Emmett says… LIFE SUCKS! And then ya die… which, ya know… sucks. Yeah… **

**So… brighten our sucky life by dropping off a lovely review! IT can say: UPDATE! Or it can say: THIS STORY ROCKS! Or anything else that you're lovely little brains can think of… as long as it isn't a flame, because, as I repeat from last chapter… **

**THEY HURT OUR POOR EDDIE!!! **

**And, Shea has an odd addiction with setting herself on fire with them… but that's besides the point… **

**So… GOOD REVIEWS!!! **

**TATA FOR NOW!!!!! **


	5. Sexy

**A/n: Hey y'all… this is a ONE TIME ONLY THING, but we have a guest star here… she is my (I being Shea, because I'm the typer-upper of this story) close and personal friend, Sexy, (who is sleeping over tonight and we just downed like, a MILLION Moutain Dews and this is the outcome...). (P.S. That is a NICKNAME that we JUST came up with cuz honestly, what parent would name their kid SEXY?!?!?!) **

** Mauri: ... really weird ones... OH! Celebreties! Like Brittney Spears! **

** Everyone with a brain (or a working one at least): -GAGS-   
**

**Topic: SEXY **

Shea: -sing song- SEXY'S BACK!!!

Emmett and Edward: -looks at each other and start 'dirty' dancing and singing- We're bringing SEXY BACK!!! YEAH!

Sexy: -rubs hands together and eyes boys- let's get the party started!

Mauri: Oh my god, this could be BAD.

Shea: -claps- As long as Emmett's here, nothing can go be bad!

Emmett: -farts-

Shea: -gasps and coughs for air- I take that back! Things can go wrong!!! –gasps- I NEED AIR!

Mauri: -thinks- can vampires fart?

Edward: let's find out.

Emmett: -farts again-

Edward: -farts-

Jasper: Whatever…

Rosalie: -farts-

Alice: -farts the loudest-

Sexy: -farts-

Emmett: HEY! You're not a vampire! You're not part of this experiment!

Sexy: -farts- SAH-WEET NESS!!!

Shea: -gasps for air- Oh my gosh… it's worse than the time mom ate too many beans!

Mauri: -sings- Beans, beans the musical fruit, the more ya eat the more ya toot…

Emmett: -sings- The more ya toot the better ya feel so lift your leg and let it squeal! YEE HAW!!! –farts-

Sexy: NO! That's not the RIGHT WORDS! Let me explain…

-sings- Beans, beans the musical fruit, the more ya eat the more ya toot-

Jasper: -sings- The more ya toot the better ya feel so let's eat beans in every meal!

Everyone: -stares-

Shea: -mouth hits floor- OW THAT HURT!

Bella: -faints from shock-

Jasper: -farts- Whatever…

Alice: That's rude. But I love you anyways…

Jasper: Whatever…

Alice: -sniffs- You don't love me back… -sniffs than perks up- OH! LET'S GO SHOPPING!!!

Everyone: -screams- NO!!!

Jasper: Whatever… -looks scared-

Alice: COME ON NEW SHOPPING BUDDY!!! –grabs Jasper and hauls him out to Porsche-

Jasper: -becomes SO depressed Bella considers jumping off a bridge-

Edward: -sobs with no tears- NO!

Shea: -grins wickedly and starts to plot ways of killing off Bella-

Mauri: -slaps Shea upside the head- Don't even think of it. –grins wickedly- Just let fate take it's path…

Sexy: -thinks- I say… GO FOR IT SHEA!!!

Shea: -gets wicked look-

Mauri: -scolds- don't even think about it…

Shea: -frowns and suddenly gets too hyper from recent Mountain Dew- YIPPEE FOR COW PLOP!!!

Sexy: -picks up 'breathe' lotion on desk and reads aloud:- 24/7 Moisture boost body lotion.

Shea: -stares- did you just say: 24/7 Moisture BOOBS body lotion-

Mauri: -slaps Shea upside head-

Edward: um… I'm going to… er… leave now… -gulps and walks out-

Mauri: -screams- NO! EDDIE-POO!!! DON'T LEAVE ME!

Shea: -snorts- you'll get over it won't she Emmett?

Emmett: -looks around nervously- Um… sure???

Shea: -laughs for no reason-

Sexy: Calming body lotion!!!

Shea: I NEED THAT!

Mauri: No stupid, that's what Jasper's for…

Shea: Oh right, JASPER GET YOUR BUTT HERE RIGHT NOW!

Jasper: -pops up looking depressed- Whatever?

Shea: CALM ME DOWN! –giggles hyper-like-

Jasper: -gulps-

Shea: YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING!

Jasper: -gulps again-

Shea: -laughs- HELP ME!!!

Mauri: Okay, I'll call the therapist.


	6. Freak

**A/n: I would say sorry for the OBNOXIOUSLY LONG wait (-smacks Mauri- SHAME ON YOU!!!) but we JUST updated today so we gave you back the reason of life… **

**OUR STORY!!! **

**People everywhere: -cheers- YAY!!! –Stops and look confused- Why are we so happy? **

**Shea: JASPER! Leave those depressed people alone! –smacks Jasper and cries- MY HAND! **

**Jasper: Whatever. **

**Mauri: Well… we should probably start the chappy before we make the author's note a chapter… **

**Shea: -GASP!- Could we do that?!?!?!?! **

**Mauri: Um… let's not find out… **

**Chapter Six **

**Topic: FREAK**

Shea: EDWARD!

Edward: -annoyed- WHAT?!

Shea: I read this REALLY REALLY sad story where…

Edward: Yes…?

Shea: Where you DIE!

Edward: I can see why that's amusing for YOU.

Shea: Yuppo. –suddenly starts crying- IT WAS SO SAD!

Edward (who is scared of Shea by the way, MUAHAHAHA!): -feels so bad for Shea that he hugs Shea- It's okay…

Shea: BUT YOU DIED!!! –sobs-

Edward: Silly Shea, it was just a story…

Shea: -gasps- wait, then… if that was just a story, does that mean you're not real?!

Edward: -laughs- where do you get that idea?

Mauri: Well… you see, you are a character in a story.

Edward: I am?

Shea: Yup, and everyone in the WHOLE WIDE world wants to marry you. Even my next door neighbor, who's 87… and a guy.

Edward: -gulps- really?

Shea: Yup, see? There's your biggest fans! –points to mob of screaming people-

Edward: -screams-

Big, scary group of really freaky fan people: Edward! WILL YOU MARRY ME?!?!?!

Edward: -screams again- AH!!! ALICE!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU SEE ME GETTING ATTACKED BY A MOB OF DERANGED PEOPLE?!?!?!

Alice: er…

Edward: -gasp- is THIS why you were reciting the Christmas Carol in 27 different languages?!

Alice: er…

Edward: -gets tackled by football team… a GUY football team…-

Football player: Hey, Edward! WILL YOU SIGN MY BUTT?!

Edward: -screams-

Football coach: now, boys… don't scare him… EDWARD! WILL YOU BE ON OUR TEAM AND TOTALLY KILL THE OTHER TEAMS?!?!?!

Edward: -screams-

Shea: -laughs evilly- It's FUN to torture Eddie…

Mauri: Now… let's not get too carried away…

Random girl: -shouts- Can I have your baby?!

Edward: -screams-

Mauri: -scolds- now, now… he's a VAMPIRE. Ask him something more… vampire-ish.

Shea: ISH!

Emmett and Shea and Mauri: Ish gotta vish gotta vish umpa… umpa umpa umpa-pa… ish gotta vish gotta vish umpa… umpa, umpa umpa-pa!

Emmett: -tap dances- ISH!

Edward: -screams-

Shea: -frowns- I feel sorry for Edward…

Mauri: I don't! –grins- It's FUN!

Shea: -gasps- OH! You're right! This IS fun! –claps happily and hugs Mauri-

Edward: -screams-

Emmett: Hey man, act more like a man, man… yeah!

Shea: -gasps- OH LOOK! Emmett! There's your fan girls!!!

Mauri: -looks- er…

Shea: -frowns- Whoops, my bad… I mean, fan guys. Wait, fan GUY. One guy. No girls. Pity.

Mauri: Not for us!

Emmett: -walks up to fan boy- Ish?

Fan-boy: ISH!

Emmett and Fan-Boy: -hug-

Shea: Didn't see that coming!

Mauri: -cries- it's sooooooo… sweet…

Edward: -screams-

Shea: Edward, why are you screaming?

Edward: -screams-

Mauri: I think he's broken.

Shea: YAY! Let's throw baseballs at him!

Mauri: Um… okay…

Shea: YAY!

Bella: -POP- EDWARD!

Edward: -screams-

Bella: -gasp- Is THAT what you think of me?!

Edward: -screams-

Bella: AND WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GIRLS HERE?!?!?!?! –sobs- You're cheating on me!

Edward: -screams-

Bella: -slaps him- OW!

Mauri: Ow… -winces- that's GOTTA hurt…

Shea: YAY PAIN!

Bella: We're over!

Shea: I thought you already were over.

Bella: why?

Shea: didn't something happen with Figgy or something?

Bella: er…?

Shea: Never mind! Proceed…

Emmett: KIDNAP MR. SANDY CLAWS!

Mauri: How about just KIDNAP BELLA?!

Shea: -grins- Diabolical… or should I say, dia-Bella-cal…

Mauri: Oh, me likey…

Emmett: MIKEY!

Shea: Mikey?

Mauri: What goes on in that PEABRAIN little head of yours, Emmett?

Emmett: er…

Shea: -taps Emmett's head- OH! I heard an… ECHO! –taps some more-

Mauri and Shea: -exchange looks-

Mauri: -runs off- …. –runs back-

Shea: DO YOU HAVE IT?!

Emmett: -scared- have what?!

Mauri: Yup! Operation E.M.M.E.T.T.S Brain is a GO!

Emmett: -gulps- E.M.M.E.T.T.S? Somehow… that seems oddly familiar… those letters… do they… possibly… SPELL something? Something I should know?

Mauri and Shea: -look at each other-

Shea: We've got a LOT of work to do, my friend…

Mauri: -nods solemnly-

Shea: -cheerfully- LET'S GO!

Emmett: WAIT! Let's not!

Mauri: No, Emmett… all you have to do is hold still…

Emmett: -freezes in fear-

Shea: PERFECT!

Mauri: And now… for… the revealing… of… It.

Edward: -screams-

Alice: -gasps than laughs-

Shea: -claps-

Emmett: -unable to move due to a high case of… er… some really big word-

Mauri: DUN DUN DUN!

Shea: -claps hands slowly in suspense-

Mauri: -whips out…- FLASHLIGHT!

Edward: -screams-

Shea: This is FUN!

Mauri: Ready Emmett?

Emmett: -gulps-

Shea: We'll take that as a yes… Mauri? Commence phase one of E.M.M.E.T.T.S. Brain…

Edward: -screams-

Mauri: Emmett… hold still… this won't hurt a bit… -holds up flashlight to Emmett's ear- See anything unusual… or… shiny and bright?

Shea: -gasps- Oh! Wait- no, that's earwax… -pauses- OH! Yummy earwax!

Mauri: -looks around Emmett- Ex-CUSE me?

Shea: -giggles-

Mauri: -shakes head- We may have to experiment on you next…

Shea: YAY! SHINY LIGHTS!

Mauri: Edward, go look in Emmett's ear and see if you see anything…

Edward: -inches over, looks in, and… pause… SCREAMS (bet THAT was a shocker)-

Mauri: -gasps- What did you see?!

Edward: -screams and then looks… calm… dreamy… far away… and then, you know… hot… - I saw… I saw the light….

Mauri and Shea: -exchange looks-

Edward: it calls to me… -looks far away into LALA Land-

Mauri: You saw it? The light? From all the way over here?

Edward: -nods-

Mauri, Shea, and Edward: -look at Emmett- SHUN THE FREAK! SHUN THE FREAK!

Emmett: -sobs- Why me?!

Alice: Teenage angst… gotta love it.

Carlisle: -pops up and sees Emmett hysterical- We may have to sedate you, ma'am… er… sir… or, person… freak.

Emmett: -sobs- HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL?!

Carlisle: -solemnly- Emmett… I am your father…

Emmett: -screams-

Edward: Now look who's the wuss…

Carlisle: -taps needle- Ready Emmett?

Emmett: -screams- NO!!!!!!! NOT THE NEEDLE OF DEATH!!! NO! ISN'T THERE SOME OTHER WAY?!?!?!

Mauri: -sighs sadly- its sooooooo… I don't know whether to say sad or pathetic…

Carlisle: -tries to poke Emmett with needle… needle shatters-

Emmett: -screams- THE PAIN!!!

Shea, Mauri, Edward, Carlisle: SHUN THE FREAK! SHUN THE FREAK!

Emmett: -gasps- I WANNA SEE THE FREAK!

Everyone: er….

Shea: -whips out pocket mirror that she just happened to have with her- Here ya go Emmett…

Emmett: -looks- Oh my Carlisle! He looks just like me! I HAVE A TWIN! WHO'S A FREAK! RUN AWAY! –runs away-

Mauri: You know… -watches Emmett run away- this may sound weird… but I think I'm gonna miss him…

Everyone: -sighs-

Shea: FREAK!

**THE END. **

**OF THE CHAPPY. **

**LIKE DUH. **


End file.
